Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize