i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize