If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dick very happy bro
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
