may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
