there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
