I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
