Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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