My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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