??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize