ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
