The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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