Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
