I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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