Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
