I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I love you.
Bad choice
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