I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
