What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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