i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
