Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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