I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
