Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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