I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
