Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
