So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
