The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
