I'm so fucking centered right now
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
