How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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