Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize