I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
