i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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