uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
