Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
