Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize