If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
