It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Randomize
