if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
