Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
