From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize