My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
