I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
