I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
