Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
