How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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