I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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