Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Everyone says I win the strip club
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
