At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
