I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
