Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
