obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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