My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
