I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
