New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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