Plan B is the new Plan A
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
