The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
