How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
