i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
